noelleedwards
polyscigirl907
By Terrengton Coffie
When some people look at my situation, being a youthful offender in Jail North, they may see me as a troublemaker. Some perceive I am not fit to walk among society, or that I intend to create mischief. Others may say I should be glad to be in the “systhem” because I shouldn’t have a bit to worry about. Those individuals are outside looking in.
I read the words of Scripture: “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”
My first two weeks in Jail North seemed as if daylight would never come. The days took forever to end, and what they call “free time” is nothing but a reminder that I don’t have my freedom. Food, that you have no clue as to who prepared it, makes even my mom’s burnt meatloaf seem a safe haven for my stomach.
As night falls, I can only sit awake waiting to see the light of dawn. Going from day to day looking at the same off-colored white walls, and attempting to keep sanity while performing the same routines, sort of put me into a trance and numbness.
When that developed, the days began to fly by. Free time was grand, and the slop turned into a feast. This is the point at which I started attending CMS classes, which eased the sight of the walls of my cage. Continuing to pursue an education lifted the worry about receiving credit as a senior.
Just as my morning sun began to rise, the reality that I’m on the inside looking out came tumbling in. This struck me with more than a low blow. It felt as if I had just run into a combination from Mike Tyson. Almost all at once I was tossed around by lonliness and despair. Situations I would face when I, in jail terms, would touch down (get released) pounced on me.
The first punch from the world was a letter from my now ex-girlfriend. It wasn’t filled with bad news; I actually welcomed it. I figured it would bring a heartwarming sensation; however, in reality it was a gut-clinching feeling. The fact of being in jail had found some way to tune out the thought of her. Her letter only brought an empty pit feeling in my mind and body. As I tried to recover, in came another blow.
Like a thief in the night, the Christmas season rolled around. This brought the bitter sweet pain of only being able to talk on the phone with my mother and siblings. All that was in me wanted to talk for hours, but not knowing what to say say made me want to end the heartbreaking dialogue. Just the sound of their voices made me think about how I could escape. So while trying to hold on to my composure and keep an even tone in my voice, I could feel the burning tears forming in my eyes. The “I love yous” were said, and the dry knot in my throat began to swell. Maybe something in my brain predicted that this wasn’t enough sorrow, so sure enough I got more.
During New Year’s Eve, some of the inmates planned to quake (kick and bang on the cell door). So, out of wanting to be apart of the chaos, I joined in. Little did I know that many of them didn’t participate. As a result, those who quaked received 72 hours of lock-down time. Being confined to your cell is one thing, but being stuck there for the first three days of the 2009 year is another. I truly believed that I would lose it. Not bathing or having contact with others made each day difficult to bear. Even after being locked down, the nagging anxiety to be free did not let up. The expectation of having a chilid on the way and my brother’s decision to join the Navy only sent me into loops of brain-racking thoughts.
Although my ex-girlfriend isn’t having our child until fall, critical thoughts continued to circulate. Will I be able to find a job with my record and the economy against me? Is she even keeping the child or leaning toward an abortion? After losing contact with her, I could only sit and wonder what was going on. Then the fact that my brother is heading out kept pecking at me like a mental woodpecker. Once again I caught myself looking at the outside from the inside.
All these situations and emotions were still racing through my head. Just knowing and not knowing are tremendous conflicts to deal with. I wanted to be able to help with things but couldn’t. I wanted to get more information, but I was stuck with a little knowledge. The off-colored walls were keeping me from my family, friends and loved ones.
One day I just stopped all thoughts and relaxed. Then, one by one, I deciphered each point with a clear head and saw that it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. With the warm words and help from staff such as Ms. Douglas, Mr. Nelson and Ms. Satchwill, I was able to focus. Also with prayer and aid from Chaplin James and Mr. Bragg, and a letter from my church, I found God and gave my life to Christ. This is what truly brings me peace.
In addition to the list of individuals who inspired me to better myself, I would like to thank a few officers at Jail North. They challenged me to accept responsibility, think about my actions and strive to become a respectful man.
After that, when I looked up, I was only a week from touchdown. Not knowing where time disappeared to, I rejoiced. I expected to to be on the streets of civilization on Feb. 4. However, sometimes things just don’t go the way you expect.
Unfortunatly my court date for me to go home was postponed because the surprise snow we had on Feb. 4. This pushed my court date back to April 15. I had no idea what to do then. This threw me off track and sent me on a rampage.
I began doing the exact opposite of what I was doing before. Between being locked down and quaking was nothing but anger and frustration. Not having a care about what anyone thought pushed me toward the edge. Some inmates were upsetting me, and that only added fuel to the fire. I stopped reading my Bible and praying. It felt as if I were in a nightmare that wouldn’t end. There was no sense in trying to sleep because I only tossed and turned. I got to the point where anything could push me over the edge.
Just when I was about to go head first over the cliff, my neighboring cell mate, Demetre Nelson, reeled me back in. He didn’t give me a deep elaborate speech or anything, he just yelled through the vent, “Keep ya head up, Coffie!”
Now some may say that was nothing, but it was what I needed. A few encouraging words from someone who was going through the same thing I was did the trick. Thank you Nelson.
At that moment, no longer was I looking from the inside out, but I was looking past the inside to a brighter future. It is only because of the grace of God that I made it through this trial and my morning finally came. I was released from Jail North on February 26 and am now moving forward in life.
